The last time the Knickerbockers had the top pick in the NBA Draft, they climbed the Georgetown tree trunks to find a 7-foot future of their franchise. And Patrick Ewing would not only carry his MSG squad back to relevance, but he’d also headline the last period of any smidgen of basketball success in New York. Too bad they won’t get it!
With the first pick in the 2015 NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves take..
1. Minnesota Timberwolves: A High-Five Trainer
Think back to the days when Kevin Love ruled the Minnesota streets. High fives were an essential key to the team’s seasonal failure, right there with lacking fundamentals. Things have definitely improved, but all it takes is one miss to ignite a decade or two of doubt from fans. Let’s not let that happen again. Especially not with the first pick.
2. Los Angeles Lakers: Chris Paul Jr.
They were so close to getting their point guard of the future, Wake Forest product Chris Paul. The Charlotte Hornets had agreed to send Paul to the Los Angeles Lakers in a three-team trade. However, the NBA (owned the Hornets then) and David Stern rejected the deal, saying New Orleans was better off with Paul.
Eventually they sent Paul and two future second round draft picks to Los Angeles for Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman, Al-Farouq Aminu and the Timberwolves’ unprotected First Round Pick in the 2012 NBA draft. Here they get their consolation prize – he’ll battle with Jeremy Lin and Jordan Clarkson for minutes.
3. Philadelphia 76ers: Any General Manager Other Than Sam Hinkie
The question here isn’t so much “What has Sam Hinkie done wrong?” it’s more of “Has he done anything right?” The answer is no. Hinkie has been on the warpath collecting draft picks like a degenerate stoner playing NBA 2K15 since he was hired in May of 2013.
It’s fine to amass picks, and it’s GREAT to clear cap.. but when you get a PROTECTED first rounder for a point guard who was last year’s Rookie of the Year, and part of a great young nucleus, you deserve to be fired. The defense rests.
4. New York Knicks: Ultron
The world’s highest grossing super heroes are going to get smacked by a robot called Ultron in The Avengers 2. Sounds like somebody who Phil Jackson needs on the Knicks, if there is any hope of getting back to being a laughingstock.
5. Orlando Magic: Dan Bylzerian
They need a tough guy, plain and simple. This dude knows how to ball out. Dan Bylzerian’s beard and constant surplus of surrounding models spells tough guy, even though his trust fund baby reputation doesn’t. A poker player and Instagram legend, Bylzerian can bring a new deck of cards and some new tricks to Orlando. Rumor has it he’s already in Florida to shoot a video for Instagram. It just makes sense.
6. Sacramento Kings: A Bottle of Midol for Boogie’s Cramps
This one’s pretty self explanatory, considering the one thing holding DeMarcus Cousins from true greatness is his constant whining. A defensive nature isn’t quite the best way to engage NBA fans, unless you’re Ron Artest.
@EDHCal let me abuse u for 48 min and let’s see how u handle it
— DeMarcus Cousins (@boogiecousins) March 25, 2015
7. Denver Nuggets: Anyone Who Cares
Literally anyone, since apparently the Denver Nuggets are counting down until the end of the season. Time to clean house and get some real cats in here.
8. Detroit Pistons: Tickets to the Dan Orlovsky Show
I never realized a quiet journeyman quarterback from UCONN would end up being the funniest dude in the field. Respect to the man for his brilliance.
Even though I was furious they chose not to Franchise Tag me, I’m stoked to re-sign with the Lions for another season! #onepride
— Dan Orlovsky (@danorlovsky7) March 2, 2015
9. Charlotte Hornets: The Bee Girl from Blind Melon
She definitely looks like the type of person who would fit in with a team named the Hornets.
10. Miami Heat: A Philly Cheesesteak from Jim’s
In a moment of staggering incompetence, the Miami Heat tear a page out of Philly’s book and draft an actual cheesesteak. The pick was potentially Philadelphia’s, so this almost makes sense. Can’t go wrong with this lovable sammy.
11. Indiana Pacers: Manners for Roy Hibbert
First off, find your groove. This guy is sitting here spitting monotone replies and then floors it to 60 with suddenly aggressive accusations. If you’re going to speak your mind, at least some make sense doing it.
12. Utah Jazz: Ron Burgundy
Because he plays a mean jazz flute. San Diego jazz, Utah jazz, you get it.
13. Phoenix Suns: Michael Walchalk
“Failed NBA Player/Successful Designer & Illustrator Phoenix,” Walchalk can be found scripting visual gold for the Phoenix faithful when he’s not posting his latest art on Instagram.
14. Oklahoma City Thunder: Lightning
In dramatic fashion, The Thunder ask Zeus to borrow some of his lightning bolts. The partnership is complete.
15. Atlanta Hawks (from Nets): Jonah Hill from The Sitter
They call him Noah J-Bird, but that’s not the only reason to draft him. This glorious individual can cement that Atlanta locker room by making everyone hate him together with his decidedly unsubtle jabs at halftime. Lastly, he can play the same role as Newman in Space Jam. Subtle-yet-not subtle.
16. Boston Celtics: Nick Kroll
His obvious affinity for NBA history has already put Nick Kroll in the winning column. And since the Celtics would love to bring back the one and only Larry Bird, Kroll is the perfect halfway point. He’ll be an instant star.
17. Milwaukee Bucks: A Professional Choreographer
Their musical ability will turn these young Milwaukee Bucks into popular sports memes. But in the meantime, they’ll need some assistance from a real choreographer.
18. Houston Rockets: JJ Watt
Because you can never have enough of JJ Watt. Let’s see if there’s anything he can’t do.
19. Washington Wizards: This Guy..
Dunking with cell phone in hand? Who else can even dunk on the Wizards other than John Wall and Melvin Ely?
20. Toronto Raptors: Jeff Goldblum
This guy knows dinosaurs, even if he doesn’t quite know how to shut his mouth. Jeff Goldblum has somehow stuck around and we respect him for it.
21. Dallas Mavericks: A Thoroughbred Stallion Named Sally
So that the Maverick bloodline can live on.
22. Chicago Bulls: Grass and grains.
It’s what Bulls eat, isn’t it? Sustenance is always priority number 1.
23. Portland Trailblazers: Their Own Logo
Apparently they couldn’t make up their own, so they tore/stole a page out of the Golden State book.
— Golden St. Warriors (@warriors) March 23, 2015
24. Cleveland Cavaliers: A Care Bear for Kevin Love
How to keep Kevin Love in Cleveland, that’s the question. Since he’s a ginormous softy, the natural answer would be a Care Bear.
25. Memphis Grizzlies: Salmon
Pretty sure Grizzlies eat salmon.
26. San Antonio Spurs: Marshawn Lynch
Beast Mode and Gregg Popovich on the same time may be a media nightmare, but it’ll sure keep fans excited and eager for each ridiculously pointless press conference. Whether it’s a nothing response like “I’m thankful” or “Turnovers,” these two will keep the whirlpool of one-word madness swirling for at least another few years.
27. Los Angeles Lakers: A New PR Department
This is just sad, via Barstool Sports.
28. Boston Celtics: Jeremy Fry
This fearless youngster has become a legend in Boston.
29. Brooklyn Nets: John Idzik
He’s an awful executive when it comes to building a talented team, but John Idzik will properly clean up any cap mess. Just ask Rex Ryan. And that surely includes the New Jersey Nets and the mystery of Joe Johnson’s contract.
30. Golden State Warriors: Vladimir Guerrero
Former MLB star Vladimir Guerrero hits monster homeruns, has a cannon for an arm, is a great human being beloved by all and has a last name that literally means warrior in Spanish. Seems like a lock.
And for your real NBA Mock Draft, check out our buddy Walter Football along with his updated 2015 NBA Mock Draft. Ballers being ballers, suit and tie. WalterFootball.com has a long history of producing accurate and informative Mock Drafts.