It’s that magical time of year when no real football is taking place yet every NFL and college fan is locked into a sea of mock drafts and evidently bogus scouting reports.
One can certainly spend all day mocking up the order that this year’s talented crop of athletes will trickle into the league, but we prefer to choose the individuals that can truly help these teams moving forward.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Brian Williams, Managing Editor, NBC
Had him over for a dinner party the other night. The guy would not stop talking about his days as an NFL Quarterback, where he was also responsible for blocking and catching the football. Says he single-handedly won Super Bowl I for the Green Bay Packers.
He also told me about his days as a stud linebacker for the Giants under the name Lawrence Taylor. Most called him LT. Despite going through a tough time in life, Williams’ rise in NFL draft stock is likely to continue due to a lack of depth at his position.
2. Tennessee Titans: JJ Watt’s Twitter Account, Wisconsin
Surprised it’s even still on the board, the former Wisconsin product’s social media account has yet to be regulated. It’ll bring some much needed excitement and honesty back to Tennessee.
— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) March 16, 2015
3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Gordon Pibb, Mild-Mannered Gym Rat, Dodgeball
Gordon and his inspirational angry streak can bring this up-and-coming squad to the promised land.
4. Oakland Raiders: Emmitt Smith’s Anthology, Florida
Emmitt Smith’s perfectly mis-pronounced soliloquies are exactly what the Raiders’ locker room needs. Just awful. A big thanks to our friends at WalterFootball.com for bringing this issue to light for the rest of us.
5. Washington Redskins: Jon Gruden, Motivator and former NFL Coach
Who better to motivate Jay Gruden and his Skins crew than brother Jon and his echoing speeches about the intricacies and greatness of football.
6. New York Jets: Tom Wrigglesworth, Comedian, England
Aaron Rodgers’ British doppelganger, Wrigglesworth looks like a prolific pocket passer with extraordinary mobile throwing ability who also has a super hot girlfriend. He’s pretty much as close to Aaron Rodgers as the Jets are going to get. Pick comes with a sex tape and a discount doublecheck belt.
7. Chicago Bears: Ted, Boston
Who wouldn’t want this adorable little guy on their team? Especially the damn Bears.
8. Atlanta Falcons: Whatever the Hawks Have Been Drinking
53-14. The Falcons could learn.
9. New York Giants: Jimmy Fallon, WR, Brooklyn
Everybody loves him, his show is great, yada yada. Put Jimmy Fallon in as a slot receiver and have him run to the middle of the field, tell some jokes and distract the defense. Then after the game he’s got no problem getting you into Rao’s, Fig & Olive or where ever you want to go. Heck, you’ll even have The Roots as your team’s band.
10. St. Louis Rams: Kevin Dyson, Retired WR, Utah
It’s the least they could do for the guy who helped them win Super Bowl XXXIV. All Kevin Dyson wanted was to be loved. Now he gets his chance. Surprised this didn’t happen years ago.
11. Minnesota Vikings: Travis Fimmel, Lead Actor from History Channel’s ‘Vikings’
He can provide true expertise on how to live the Viking lifestyle.
12. Cleveland Browns: LeBron James Jr.
LeBron is quietly – but not really quietly – taking over the state of Ohio. His now-10-year-old heir gets the first shot at post-LeBron sports.
13. New Orleans Saints: TRADE
This just in – The Saints trade this year’s No. 13 for the right to extend the Mardi Gras period for the city of New Orleans. Not surprised they need to relinquish the pick after seeing the Bourbon Street leftovers. At the same time, not sure how this is even a possibility – but to each their own.
14. Miami Dolphins: A Stomping Pad
Purely for Ndamukong Suh. And maybe Albert Haynesworth if he comes to visit.
15. San Francisco 49ers: Joani Harbaugh
The 49ers draft the Harbauagh sister because they’re evidently not ready to move on from the Harbaugh touch. ESPN cuts to a shot of Jim having another epic tantrum.
16. Houston Texans: Membership to Costco
To cheaply and efficiently feed their defensive line with the recent addition of Vince Wilfork.
17. San Diego Chargers: A Stadium in Los Angeles
It’s only a matter of time before the Chargers cross the road and find themselves cozying up in a split-stadium situation with the Oakland Raiders in LA. Might as well cut the chord and embrace the inevitable.
18. Kansas City Chiefs: The Kool-Aid Guy
Andy Reid needs some help breaking those walls. The Chiefs need him concentrating on opponents, not brick walls.
19. Cleveland Browns (from Buffalo): Scruff McGruff
Who better to lead a charge in the Dawg pound than an anthropomorphic cartoon dog who fights crime?
20. Philadelphia Eagles: The Entire University of Oregon
Chip. Point his finger at you. Kelly.
21. Cincinnati Bengals: A Toe for A.J. Green
Andy Dalton’s favorite target was plagued by a toe injury last year that hurt not only Green and his teammates, but also fans, opponents, coaches and, perhaps most significantly, fantasy football players. Most of us have had enough of Green’s weekly “game-time decision” status of NFL 2014.
22. Pittsburgh Steelers: Leonard Williams, DT, USC
The Steelers didn’t realize this was a faux mock draft and actually draft stud lineman from Southern California, Leonard Williams. He’ll instantly boost an always tough defense. Not a joke at all.
23. Detroit Lions: Will Ferrel
Because he’s literally gone on record saying he’s got the heart of the lion..
24. Arizona Cardinals: Big Hero Six
Carson Palmer needs protection and this hefty machine can be a menacing force inside. I’d assume he’s a phenomenal teammate as well, loving and genuine.
25. Carolina Panthers: Henry Cavill, Superman
So Cam Newton can stop pretending to be Superman.
26. Baltimore Ravens: Any Receiver With the Last Name Smith
To keep the trend going now that Torrey Smith is wearing flowers in his hair in San Francisco.
27. Dallas Cowboys: A Legal Team for Greg Hardy
New free-agent addition, new potential headache.
28. Denver Broncos: Channing Tatum, TE, Hollywood
He was recently cast as Rob Gronkowski in ‘Yo Soy Gato,’ the upcoming story of Gronkowski’s life. To prepare for that role he worked one on one with Gronk, who taught him everything he knows. You’ve seen his highlight-reel catches in 22 Jump Street. Hollywood doesn’t lie.
29. Indianapolis Colts: A Personal Driver for Jim Irsay
Better safe than sorry. Again.
30. Green Bay Packers: A Brick of Brie Cheese
Diversity isn’t just an old, old wooden ship anymore. The Packers could use a better variety of cheeses.
31. Seattle Seahawks: Ask Madden
For that terrible, terrible final play of Superbowl XLIX
32. New England Patriots: Ace Ventura
Or just better spies in general. They get caught for everything.
And for your real mock draft, check out Walter Football’s updated 2015 NFL Mock Draft. Unlike Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay, we don’t claim to be draft experts – so also unlike them, we’re realistic. WalterFootball.com has a long history of producing fairly accurate Mocks; and unlike Mr. Kiper, he doesn’t scream OR throw his big hair in your face to do it.