Ballers Being Basic

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As Vince Vaughn once said before gently kissing Will Ferrell on the forehead, “I pure straight hate you, but god damnit do I respect you.” I’ve always hated the Spurs, like the way you hate a sock that keeps rolling into your shoe or bacon-flavored gum.

The frustratingly humble and well-coached San Antonio Spurs, a franchise entrenched in forever-long domination, are not only boring as shit and without a sprinkle of flash, but are somehow kept out of the ESPN-heavy spotlight despite a pretty damn prestigious track record. Even Cleveland scrub Johnny Manziel gets camera time, a lot actually.

Maybe it’s because winning isn’t intriguing and consistent prosperity isn’t thrilling. Maybe it’s because if we have to see one more minute of this insanely glorious franchise outside of the 48 minutes they are spanking our hometown Knicks, we’ll truly give up on basketball. Maybe it’s because the Spurs did it right, and if fans see enough of it they’ll realize their own team is an inept waste of six and seven-figure contracts with no hope. Maybe perfection really isn’t shit; imperfection is the key to drive, the heart and soul of hope.

Childhood basketball mostly consisted of Lakers, Spurs, Lakers, Spurs, Celtics, Lakers. The NBA Playoffs, despite their late-game heroics and quirky halftime shows, only keep us clinging to the screen with hope – hope that a true underdog story would carve itself in the record books. Years later, the Lakers are shit, the pretty solid Dallas Mavericks won a championship they should’ve pulled in years ago, and the former Ron Artest was last seen in China because even the dreadful New York Knicks wouldn’t take him.

LeBron went to Miami in fuck-a-beat-I-go-acapella fashion, while Dwight Howard was crying for a trade until by god he got it. NBA celebs no longer display the fierce aggression of a Charles Oakley, the dominant swat of a Ben Wallace or the revolutionary swiftness of a Julius Erving.

The NBA is in dire need of a fresh influx – one consisting of 5’7″ shredders with an attitude problem and haircuts worthy of a sports meme. Take note GMs, size doesn’t always matter.

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