The Johnny Football Shining

And the first pick of the 2014 NFL Draft is…

Say what you will about once-touted Quarterback Johnny Football, the dude wasn’t made for the professional football field. His omnipresent air of douchebag and fucking annoying smirk has Cleveland Browns fans wondering if they were better off with 29-going-on-89-year-old corpse, Brandon Weeden.

For NFL fans everywhere, Johnny Manziel is a pathetic excuse for new-age gunslinger – either incorrectly extending plays like a petulant runaway or for some reason giving the bird to his peers.

Elders like Weeden claw for the times of old, when the gloveless and antler spray-less Average Joe played the game correctly. Limited pads, two hands on the football, muddy, form tackle, beer, vomit. The good stuff. All the attributes that make up gridiron tradition.

Today, all we’ve got are Tight End twerks and receivers dropping balls on 1-yard lines in disastrous fashion. Like modern teenagers being what the new kids call “basic,” the NFL has become a melting pot of glorified disaster. Whether these players are making unholy plays on the football field, becoming hilarious sports memes off it or getting arrested for shooting themselves in the damn legs like cheddar bob when he shot himself, it’s all chaos – pure, blood-soaked madness. And we crave every minute of it.

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